Crystal's moment of truth

(Spring, 2001) -- Amy, Crystal’s pregnancy counselor, has told us that her court hearing to relinquish parental rights is at 2:00 pm. Amy says she’ll call as soon as it’s over.

Tessa has been with us for nearly a month, and we are hopelessly, madly, deeply in love with this beautiful baby girl.

Fear wends its way up and down my spine as I imagine what will happen if Crystal changes her mind at the last moment. I picture authorities knocking on the door, saying they’ve come for Tessa. What would I do? Fight them? Acquiesce and crumble into a puddle on the floor? Die right here of a broken heart?

The day is endless. I dance with Tessa to John Denver’s Grandma’s Feather Bed. I think about what the day is like for Crystal, with whom we haven’t spoken in several weeks. I think about her every day, but respect her need to have a mourning period while we’re not in her face.

We’ve been told that some judges are heartless with relinquishing mothers. One counselor told us she witnessed a hearing where the judge said, “Your irresponsible actions have led you to this irrevocable decision. Do you realize the mess you’ve made?” The firstmother, already distraught, could barely continue.

Would Crystal’s judge be so callous, or would he/she have some respect for the road Crystal has traveled, and the dreams she has for her daughter?

The sun moves across the sky more slowly than ever this afternoon. Tessa takes her afternoon nap, and finally, at around 4 pm, I can take it no longer and I call Amy.

“I just finished with Crystal. The hearing went fine -- a nice judge. Crystal’s fine. Sad, but fine. We’ve been talking about it.”

The weight of five years of yearning to have a child lifts off my shoulders and it almost feels as if I’m levitating by comparison. The coast is now clear for us to be Tessa’s legal parents. We have five months of supervision left, but there are no more major hurdles in our path.

I put Seasons of Love from the Rent soundtrack on the stereo. I have a moment where my heart is connected to all that is. I lift my arms to the heavens and ground my feet to the earth and give thanks that I get to live this life, my life. I am so blessed! I appreciate every single moment that has led to this point in time!