Monday, August 4, 2008

Everything I wanted and nothing like I thought

(Spring-Summer, 2003) -- I did it. I completed the plan I had for my life. Met a wonderful man, proposed to him and got married. Traveled the world together and had loads of fun. Grieved and recovered from the setback of infertility. Became the mom to the most perfect daughter and son. Several weeks after all my dreams came true, I should be happy. Deliriously happy.

But I’m not. And I can’t even blame hormones for my moodiness. I become depressed, edgy and easily upset with Roger, Tessa and Reed. I am supremely pissed at myself. I feel guilty for not being 100% grateful for all I have. I fall into the dark abyss of self-loathing. It seems bottomless because I keep plunging. Falling, falling.

I see my counselor. I am stuck, I tell her. Stuck with a life that is no longer my own. Stuck with a colicky newborn who keeps me up much of the night. Stuck with a toddler who sucks my energy by day. Stuck in a hell I don’t have the resources to deal with or get out of.

I am not bonding with Reed. I bonded instantly with Tessa, and I am panicked about this un-liveable situation. Is it because he is a boy? Because he is the second child? Because I didn’t attend his birth, and I missed his first few weeks of life? Because I am a waste of a human being?

Years ago, to heal from infertility I had to recognize that I DID indeed have choices. My counselor helps me see that I have a choice: I do not have to parent Reed. Finalization is still months away.

She encourages me to sit with this awhile. To KNOW that I have the option to back out.
.

16 comments:

wordgirlredux said...

You write with such honesty Lori -- from the moment I began reading your story I was drawn in by the absolute authenticity of your voice. I think that you're reaching a lot of people - letting them know they are not alone in their journey.

xo

Pam

luna said...

this story just keeps getting more interesting. I also love your honesty. and I forgot that you proposed to your hub! love that too.

Amber said...

Wow Lori. Your story is so full. I always wonder what happens after "happily ever after". I guess life goes all with all it's pitfalls and surprises.

Kim R. said...

Thanks for the mojito, Lori. Truly hits the spot!

Kim R. from
caesar and louie.

snoflake22 said...

Hi Lori, thanks for your post on my blog. I came here to send you my email, but wanted to say I also really like your blog. There are so many ups and downs with becoming a mom. When I was pregnant with my third I almost bought a one way ticket somewhere (literally almost) but then realized the baby was still IN me and I wouldn't really be escaping. I'm glad I stayed though. :) Your honesty is really going to help you though make a decision that you won't regret. I'll say a prayer for you.

Also, my email is snoflake22@Hotmail.com, and yes I would like to be included in the outing! thanks for thinking of me.

Lori said...

I'm so glad you have traveled this road with me, ladies. It's therapeutic for me even five years later.

Choicemumtobe said...

Brutally honest. What so many mums most certainly feel but are afraid to say.

Great choice for Creme!

Kymberli said...

Shame on me for not having this particular blog of yours in my reader, too. There is more honesty in this short post than many of the longer reads elsewhere.

Smiling said...

Thanks for sharing with humble honesty.. voices like yours keeps everything real.

annacyclopedia said...

Sometimes it is in those darkest moments that it takes the most strength to see that there are choices. And there is liberation in seeing that the choices are there, even if they are the ones we would never want. Thank you for this post - for writing it and for sharing it again in the Creme.

Princess Jo said...

There are always those moments: life does like to try us... Lovely, deep post; it's truly honest and I think, what many mums feel out there.

Thanks for commenting on my blog: I appreciate it! It's really weird sometimes knowing that people read my blog and don't leave comments.

Jo

Emily said...

Thank you for sharing this post on CDLC.
It is raw and beautiful and so honest.
I hope today finds you at peace...

Delenn said...

Coming from the Creme. I find this post very true. Sometimes I find myself still feeling sad/overwhelmed and I wonder--how can I feel this way? I have everything I want. Even when we have it, life can put other obstacles in our way--and we can just feel bad for no real reason.

I hope you are in a better place this year.

Cassandra said...

What a difference between the usual griping about babies that many new moms express and this honest, thoughtful self-reflection.

And even better to know the next part of the story, that you did bond with Reed and did learn to manage the emotions, the babies, all of it.

JamieD said...

Thank you for sharing - for being so raw and honest even when it isn't pretty.

It is comforting to see where you are now knowing what you have gone through. You give me strength!

A n T said...

Here from the creme: Thanks for keeeping it real. I hope that things are better for you now and you're at peace with things.